… KJ

1. What’s the time of the day when you feel most like yourself?

10.12am 

That answer is really a representation of my daily life. My kiddo has gone to school, I’ve breathed, opened my laptop, stared at my WIP for a good five minutes and read the crap I wrote the day before, rolled my eyes, grabbed a coffee, then typed words.

2. What’s your coffee order?

Flat white. When I was overseas decades ago, I discovered that a flat white is a distinctly Australian coffee. I tried to explain its structure to a Canadian and his response was, “So it’s like a Tim Hortons cappuccino without foam,” which confused me greatly because a cappuccino without foam isn’t a cappuccino and what is Tim Hortons? Apparently you can find flat whites anywhere now, much like Australians.

3. What’s your most unusual talent?

I’m not sure any of my talents are unusual. I’m not sure any of them would even qualify as talents. Um…okay, I’m particularly adept at killing flora. Oh. I can sing. Is that unusual? It could be if someone met me for the first time. I may not look like a singer, perhaps. I have no idea. I’m blathering. Oh! Blathering. Excellent at that.

4. What do you think of garden gnomes?

I really have no particular opinion about garden gnomes. I do tend to dack them every time I use the whipper-snipper. (I must translate that sentence of Australianess - dack means to violently pull someone’s pants down, and a whipper-snipper is a grass trimmer thingy). So back to dacking gnomes. If I get too close to a gnome with the whippy-bits, the gnome’s paint is stripped off, and so you get a gnome all fancy in its waistcoat and naked underneath. Much like newsreaders. 

5. What would you do with a million dollars? 

I’d panic that somehow the bank had transferred the money in error. I wouldn’t touch my account for a week and sit quietly next to the phone waiting for the police to call. Once it was all sorted, I’d pay my family’s mortgages (I’m including found family in this), our payment, buy everyone in my family a new car, give a shitload (a proper metric measurement) to the local animal shelters, the women’s shelter (there’s only one which sucks because there should be more, right?). A million dollars doesn’t go a long way anymore. Maybe I’d fly over to have a chat to Jeff Bezos about distributing his billions. I’ll persuade him with a tsunami of nice.

6. What makes you smile?

My kiddo and my wife. Funny scenarios or lines in books or bits in movies. My cats (Zyrtec, Claritin, and Sneeze)

7. Do you believe in soulmates?

Hmm. I think so? This is going to sound a bit woowoo, which isn’t me, but I think we meet the person we’re supposed to meet when elements work beyond our control and create the perfect Venn diagram. Oh god, this sounds mental. The soul mate that you meet may be in your life forever or for a short period of time before they’re whisked away by that whirlpool of life, and events, and the situation where another soul mate has drifted into their circle of the Venn diagram. 

My wife and I have been in our particular Venn diagram for 21 years. It’s a lovely shape.

8. What author would you follow till the ends of every literary genre they chose to write in?

That’s a horribly mean question. An author who could write in every genre and still be decent at it? Look, I want to be completely unbiased about this, but I really should give an answer because otherwise how bloody boring is that? (Australians speak rhetorically)

So, I choose Clare Ashton, mainly because she’s done the crossing-over thing already. And she’s gobsmackingly brilliant.

9. What makes you cry?

Everything. Getting things wrong, getting things right, insurance ads, great reviews. I’m such a sook.

10. What personality trait gets you most often in trouble?

Do you mean bad trouble or good trouble? I’ll go with bad trouble. For me, bad trouble means a situation that could have been avoided if I’d had a bit of a think first. I tend to be a little impulsive which, when coupled with my naivety and belief that everything that people tell me is true and real, gets me into so much trouble. When I was fifteen, I bought some soccer cards on a whim, believing the guy who said they were real. They turned out to be pictures stuck on cardboard. Sigh. I felt so stupid. That’s generally the emotion that occurs after my whimsical naivety. Doing something where I embarrass myself is a common situation and makes me cry. Can I add that to question nine?

11.  If you were a book, which book would you be and why?

The Hobbit. Except without the hairy feet. I’d be resistant to adventure, but I’d go because of the continuous food situation. I’m reasonably good at problem-solving so that’s handy. I’m not sure about the fighting mythical creatures bit, but I am good at archery so there’s that. Oh! Archery. Stick that in question three, please Milena.

12. What is the one thing you believe to be true that others don’t? 

That there isn’t a god. I have a friend who says that the idea of god is like believing in a giant spaghetti monster in the sky, which is…not nice, is it? Because lots of people believe in a higher spirit or power. I’m not about to tell someone who or what to believe in. As long as they don’t tell me the same.

13. In a crowded room, what makes you notice a woman?

Presence. Sort of aloof but not. Here I go again being all eye-rollingly vague. The woman is observing the crowd yet participating in the conversation with purpose so the participants felt valued. A tricky skill. That’s why I’d notice her.

14. What’s your one big regret?

That I resigned from my teaching career. Teaching was/is my passion. It defined/s me. It structured/s my identity. And I gave it up. Simply because I thought I couldn’t do it anymore because I…well, because. These words were hard to type, particularly through a fuzzy film of sad. See question nine. 

15. What would be the title of your autobiography? 

‘Look, I have lots to say inside which could become a little long-winded but that’s sort of how I write so bear with me. Please read this book. It’s kind of lyrical and not awful’

(I’d have to wrap the title, but that’s okay. It makes people turn the book over so they’re forced to read the blurb)

16. Three women you’d have over for dinner and what would you serve? 

Kate Winslet. Um…well, because. Do I even need a reas—oh. Okay. Truly, she actually very witty and charming. 

You. Because you’re clever and funny and you’re able to talk about everything. (Milena’s note: Oh, you! End Milena’s Note.)

Naomi Osaka. I want to chat to her about her decisions and journey and mental health. 

I’d make lasagna - two of them. One vegetarian and one not. I make a very good lasagne.

17. Your desk, your kitchen, your bedroom, your car - which ones gets cleaned first?

I clean when I’m anxious which is all the time so you should see the kitchen, because the kitchen is my number one go-to bottle of multi-purpose spray room. If ever the writing thing fizzles out, I could always start a cleaning business called ‘Triggered Tidying’. 

My desk is carpeted in multicoloured Post-It notes, and notepads which I’ve made from paperwork that we don’t need anymore. I discovered some planning for Art of Magic written on the blank side of my son’s term two curriculum update.

18. What’s in your fridge right now?

Milk, cheese, yoghurt, butter. God, that makes it sound like there’s some poor cow out there clutching its udders in shock. Last I looked I also had vegetables. Probably fruit. It’s late. Dinner was a while ago.

19. If you could choose one song to be played every time you enter a room, what song would that be and why? 

Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics. No real reason. Normally I’m into metaphors and similes and analogies. But this song? It’s just because I like it. I love the music from the 1980s.

20. Funniest/best/saddest/proudest (choose one) thing that ever happened to you as a lesfic author? 

Two of my books in their first year of publication were chosen as finalists for the Goldies. Coming Home and Kick Back. In the first year (Coming Home) another lesfic author DM-ed me saying congratulations, etc and I responded with something self-deprecating and flippant, then the author said, “You do know what a big deal this is, right?” So when it happened again the next year with Kick Back, I completely cried. See question nine.

KJ’s latest novel, a dark, romantic thriller, Ignis, can be found here: mybook.to/KJIgnis