1 Question With 20 Authors
I ask our beloved authors some pretty strange questions. And they are always game for answering my totally, at times bonkers inquiries.
So for the Holiday Season, I decided to ask the past and future 20 Questions interviewees the question that has surely been on absolutely everyone’s mind. I mean how could it not have been, it’s the holidays!
Here goes:
You’re an Elf in Santa’s Workshop. What is your job?
Clare Ashton
So I'm an elf in Santa's workshop. I've probably been kindly told move on from the wrapping department. My eight-year-old wraps presents better than I do (I can hear her saying "literally" as I type this.) It's not toys either. I'm not good at making things - flat pack assembly even gives me palpitations. My kids describe me as forgetful, messy, cuddly and a good cook so I think I need to be the one who gives a hug to anyone who needs it or bakes cookies!
Jae
Since I’m a words and a numbers person, I would be the spreadsheet elf creating all the naughty-or-nice lists and making sure Santa’s presents end up where they are supposed to go.
Lucy Bexley
I’m managing the entire holiday delivery schedule with a color-coded kanban board. BUT I’m doing this in addition to my regular job which is testing all the toys. Also, no one has asked me to manage the delivery schedule, I volunteered because that’s just who I am.
KC Luck
I would be the QC (Quality Control) Elf. Someone needs to test the outgoing toys to ensure they meet holiday magic standards.
KJ
I’m the therapy elf. I’m very good at listening and not judging, so the other elves know they can come to me without fear of derision. I’m safe. I’d be there when the elf in charge of ribbon distribution won’t let another elf use the blue because only ‘special’ elves can use that colour. I’m always there for that elf. (And the other one, of course, because that elf might need to download about their possessive blue ribbon issue.) My ears are big enough to hold worries, and my heart knows how to stitch better than the elves creating clothing. So yeah, I’m KJ, the therapy elf.
Lee Winter
Right, I'm the Tetris queen. So you'll find me packing those sleighs to sleek *perfection*. There'll be no overhanging packages, no lumpy, bumpy, odd jutting shapes. No ma'am. It'll be a carefully constructed, aerodynamic dome-shaped bundle of gift-giving excellence.
Monica McCallan
I would be very happy with two different jobs. Either something rote with a quota where I can just crank out a toy over and over while I listen to music OR I would organize the scheduled work shifts for the other elves. I think both of those jobs are the indoctrinated capitalist in me, but I’d also really just like to kick it in the break room over some cookies and milk and chat about elf gossip.
A.L. Brooks
I actually came up with three jobs I would like to have as an elf in Santa’s workshop.
1. Feeding the reindeer. Just imagining all those cute snuffly noses in my hands as I feed them carrots makes me smile.
2. Bartender for the other elves. They all need some chill-out time at the end of their hard days and I mix a mean G&T. And I don’t care what Santa says, union rules apply and everyone gets a mandated 2-hour break at the end of their shift.
3. Interpretative dancer for entertaining the other elves while they toil at their workbenches. My g/f will attest that I definitely do some weird and funky dance moves for no apparent reason on the regular. The other elves might like it.
Karin Kallmaker
After a stellar apprenticeship at the Chestnut Roasters, I am now Merry Little Quality Control Elf at North Pole Bakeshop, a Santa's Workshop subsidiary. Proud winner of the Holly Jolly Tasting Fork two years running. I would have won last year, but I got put on the Naughty List. Mrs. Claus likes her snicker well doodled and pudding completely figged, and some people are still wassailed about it.
Lily Seabrooke
I don't know, but I'm probably not doing it. I'm in the corner doing my own thing, and after a half dozen writeups from Santa, everyone else realized I'm better off left to my own devices. I made ten times my toy quota last night but none were the ones I was supposed to make. My hat violates dress code, but I'm cute in it.
Stephanie Shea
I had to get a little help because I had no idea what I’d be, but I’ve settled on “Game Tester.” So I get to play all the workshop’s newest games first and catch glitches or inconsistencies, for the good of children, of course.
Barbara Winkes
My job in Santa's workshop would be to read the letters to Santa and write a summary for him.
Fiona Zedde
Someone has to make sure all the toys ready for Santa’s sack have all their batteries or are adequately charged, as necessary. Should my imaginary elf need a name, they could be Twinkle de Sparqs.
G Benson
If I were an elf in Santa's Workshop, I'd be working with the reindeer. Do the need brushing? I'd be on it. Feeding? I'm your elf! I'd even muck out their stalls, though they'd be free roaming for sure if I were in charge, but gotta have those stalls ready for bad weather. I'd also stop any bullying of Rudolf before it even took off--we'd be all about celebrating differences in Santa's Workshop with this group of elves, I'm sure! Also, I'd want to be close enough to them that maybe they'd let me join them for a joy ride one Christmas Eve without Santa noticing. Who's that on Rudolf? Gabby Elf!
Quinn Ivins
Quinn Ivins: Human Resources Director
I once had an office right next to HR. That’s where I learned that HR employees are privy to loads of gossip. People would march in there shouting, and sometimes they’d leave in tears. As HR Director, I’d keep up with all the elf drama, which I expect to escalate as Christmas approaches and stress levels rise. Insubordination, slap fights, sabotage. I’m ready for all of it. I also have a talent for adjudicating complaints, honed from hours of reading Am I The Asshole on Reddit. Plus I’ve always wanted to fire someone like a badass ice queen, so this is my chance.
Isis Brown
My job in Santa's workshop is Director of Morale. I've got the 90s Pop & R&B playlists set, always making sure my fellow elves have what they need. Low blood sugar? I got you fam, here's some fruit. Muscles feeling sore? Let me show you to the massage tables. Staying hydrated? Here's some water just in case. Dance and stretch breaks? You freaking bet there are. To do the important work people need to feel like they're on a team that appreciates them and I would be all about it.
Lianyu Tan
Reporting on toy trends and preferences. How else can Santa handle inventory management without accurate demand forecasting and pretty graphs?
E.J. Noyes
Overseer Elf. I just sit around and pretend to be important and occasionally delegate tasks.
Rachel Lacey
I'd be assigned to the gift wrapping station, because I'm good enough at it that my whole family asks me to wrap their gifts. And trust me when I say you definitely don't want me in charge of making or assembling anything - ha!
Haley Cass
My job would be replying to the letters sent for Santa, of course. It's only of course because I know I would never be able to make the toys. Plus, it's one of my dream jobs to Cyrano write letters for people, which is basically what answering letters for Santa would be. Only more fun.
Happy Holidays to you all! Thank you for an amazing year and for all the support you’ve provided to your favorite sapphic fiction authors.
If you’re wondering what the best gift is for an author - the answer to that one is simple - reviews! So for this holiday season, leave a review on a book you’ve enjoyed this year and make an author’s day!
See you next year!